Do not misunderstand me, I’m not knocking dirty talking. In fact, I believe a healthy dose can serve as that extra spark to keep the fire burning. But, there are just a few things that are guaranteed to kill my lady boner long before we even get to the good stuff.
Let’s take the “who’s your daddy?” question, for instance. Seriously. Okay, sweetheart, I know exactly who my daddy is and he is absolutely the last person I want to think about when I am sprawled naked underneath you. I honestly do not get this one. Is it supposed to be a turn on if I imagine you are my father? Or is it just one of those things guys seem to learn from adult movies and think, ‘yup, that’s a good one. Imma be her ‘daddy’ next time we get freaky.’
And then there’s “you want this? Tell me how much you want this. Say it. Say it louder.” Once again. Naked. Underneath you. It’s not because I am expecting you to offer me ice cream. (Although, Ice cream while getting the business? Can’t say that’s a bad idea). It is safe to assume that I do want it.
Still on the subject of irrelevant questions, I was once with a guy, let’s call him TJ, who seemed to be very obsessed with how things were ‘coming,’ so to speak. He would constantly want to know if I am coming, when I will come and if I had come. It got so bad that I would just want to yell at him, “give me a minute to focus, maybe my orgasm wouldn’t be so elusive.’ Needless to say, I never did manage to ‘arrive’ when I was with him.
Then there are the ones that don’t even need you to say a thing. They are simply happy doing all the talking themselves. “I am the best!” “I am the biggest.” “You’ve never had anyone better.” “I am the king.” “I am the messiah.” (Okay, maybe I exaggerated that last part, but the other ones are true. I swear).
Here is a simple rule of thumb, unless she specifically requests that you use degrading words on her, please, steer clear of describing her like you will the girls you pick by the roadside and pay by the hour for. While I never personally experienced the ‘you are my wh@#$; You are a nasty little sl$%, aren’t you; Yeah, ride that D like the c*&* I know you are” guys, I have had a number of girls tell of how very uncomfortable this is. In fact, a few of them have even had to get up, dressed and leave because of how affronted they felt.
No, this is not particular to guys alone, so I am not man-bashing here. In fact, while writing this piece, I spoke to a few guys who were happy to share. Oh boy, did I get an earful?
There is one chick who literally spilled out Yoruba incantations while doing the deed; another who screamed very loudly that she is dying and that someone is killing her (wonder if her neighbours ever come knocking). Oh, and then my friend, Ben, tells me of a chick that just loves to say, over and over again, “In the name of Jesus.” Not exactly sure where that comes from but I am absolutely certain that Ben takes it as a compliment on his prowess.
Okay, I am fully aware of the fact that just because it does not work for me does not mean it doesn’t get others all hot and bothered. But my point is, it pays to know your audience. Instead of simply plagiarising whatever it was you learned, wherever you learned it, you should tailor it specifically to your partner. And if your words are not met with the right amount of enthusiasm, this is your cue to stop and maybe try something else.
And as for those of you that seem to have no boundaries in that department -yes, I’m talking to you, you naughty little minx you- whatever floats your boat. What the heck do I know?
I would love to hear from you. What crazy things have you heard? Which ones worked for you? Let’s get talking.
The author of I’m Judging You, 
